I am a warrior...not because i am unafraid
I am a warrior, not because I am unafraid of my light & my darkness but because I am clear that avoiding my truth is detrimental, dangerous, and a path I can no longer walk in order to survive. I can't afford to be afraid of my light, nor of my darkness...to look at the reflection (truths) in the mirror that all people, all relationships, and all of life's experiences point and reflect back at me. It's not easy to look at yourself and admit all of the ways that you f'd up...all the the ways that you were wrong and to stand firm humbly unafraid to acknowledge and go deep within yourself into the place that allows the wrongs or the ways you go against your best self. I'm not afraid to go deep. No matter how hard, seemingly crippling, and painful as it can be, I still stand. I'm still wise and I will use the wisdom that I find in my reflections in order to be better, to go higher, until I have transformed all within myself that can be elevated, remolded, changed, cleared, highlighted, uplifted and nourished...
I got caught in a lie.
I lied not only to someone that I care very deeply for but to myself. The thing about lies is that it creates blind spots in your life. Lies cover up really important things that you probably should take a look hard and deep at but the lie tells you stories and rationalizations or allows you to glance at the problem for a second and then look away and move on to other things.
I blinded myself from the very things that could help me grow and experiences and blessings that could never be received unless I face myself. I kept overlooking my flaws, my ugliness, the ways I misplaced and wrongly invested my energy & power. I convinced myself that I had certain areas of my life covered, checked off, and in control....until at some point for one reason or another everything came to the surface and I was fully seen in all my beauty and all my ugliness.
One thing that I feel very positive about is that once all my b.s. was out there I didn't try to run and pick it all up and hide it nor myself some more, nor did I try to convince myself even further of the lies...I stood my ground and humbly showed all of myself, all that I created and let all of the truth out. I choose to see past the blinds and look under at what I could not see for so very long. It was painful...it still hurts. The things we do to ourselves!
Right now, more than ever in my life, I see that physically and spiritually nothing is small, nothing just slightly impacts or disrupts your life, you have to clean every single ounce of dust in your closet not even a feather of b.s. can remain because my life is o n the line...my well-being. A little lie is a big lie. Trying to hide little parts of myself here and there won't work. I have to be authentic, whole-heartedly, all the time.
It is through our darkness that we come into the light, but we do not stay in the light forever.
We continually revisit the darkness, shape-shift, expand and face all aspects of self.
My journey is not all love & light. It's ugly and painful half the time.
But I feel stronger as I see the ugly or dark things lift off of my body and exit...making room for more of my beauty to shine through.