Anxiety Journal: Lessons from the Senses

If you’ve heard my story, you know that I’ve spoken about depressive states of my life that eventually led me to this spiritual path. I know that stress manifests differently for us all but for me personally the worst of it has been the panic feeling that anxiety brings. Many years ago it started with just waking up some mornings feeling my heart in this awkward state that made absolutely no sense. There was nothing inherently wrong with life, nothing obvious, it seemed random and over time like torture. This initial phase turned me into a seeker and forced me to question everything.

I feel called to share a bit about the realizations I’ve had through anxiety, lessons, and the greater picture that I now see. I’m grateful this path has enlightened me in some ways and I don’t believe to have all the answers but I do feel sharing my personal realizations at times points myself and others to a clue or light bulb that seems significant.

My saturn return (typically age 28-30ish) was the peak of anxiety. It was like a cosmic review of every single thing I’ve experienced in life up to that point coming back around for me to see it. It was painful and all internal. Like my mind could only focus on how all the pain was connected to every situation in my life. A part of myself was overly judging and condemning myself and others but another part was forcing me to deal with these feelings and SEE that it existed and needed to be transcended/healed.

One of my first realizations was that it is easy to think that our disagreements with life itself are about leaving it behind or dismissing it altogether but in the depths of my anxiety and attempts at healing, I saw that anxiety was showing me not that I didn’t want life altogether but that I didn’t want THAT lifestyle anymore. My soul was saying we can’t be here like this anymore. I needed to change…actually I needed to be more of my TRUE self and not what circumstances had tainted me into becoming. I’ve been obsessing lately over this reggae song where the singer speaks about his love for a woman and how “no remote can change my mind.” Something about that line hit me because it shows a level of inner strength that we don’t always allow ourselves to stand in when the remote is society. The moment someone comes at us with criticisms we start to doubt ourselves instead of the person or system trying to change our light. That thing within us that wants to fit in doesn’t sit well with our higher self and thus we feel the discomfort.

I realized that anxiety is what my mind-body-spirit connection alerts me of when too much time has passed where I have ignored my intuition.

I’ve seen how my ancestors speak to me through anxiety. They say you’re tired and we feel your tiredness…LOOK and pay attention to THIS. Look at what aspect of your spirit or karmic personalities is suffering right now. Look at what some of your own ancestors are tired of….Look at what the collective souls are tired of. I now know that my anxiety is also connected to the greater discomforts that we all feel. I am feeling what many are also feeling. This is why at times we can’t place the feelings to what’s currently happening in our lives. And since we don’t share with one another vulnerably we miss out on the greater connections and ties. Since we don’t inquire from a spiritual place we miss the root of what is bothering us. The idea that we are feeling anything alone simply creates more confusion, conflict, or isolation.

I once received a message from a tarot reading about being a lion raised by sheep…

The sheep aren’t always necessary family…they can be society, institutions, relationships, the doubts in our own mind…all of these experiences are “raising” us up in this world in a way that is diminishing our light if we let them take over the voice of our soul….to a point where we can’t even hear that voice anymore AND have to work incredibly hard to silence the NOISE.

Anxiety comes when I’ve become a robot walking around controlled by the opinions of others.

Anxiety has shown me that sometimes my ego mind pretends like it doesn’t know what it wants or what to do because it’s simply afraid to take a leap in what is already known and desired…when I’m pretending to not want what I want…when I’ve put a mask over my face and heart from being terrified of what taking action or being decisive might mean…and what I may have to give up.

Anxiety tends to show me how my fears have morphed into something I don’t recognize or see plainly. AND the tricky part is it’s easy to start to feel guilty as if something is wrong with us if we can’t easily feel happy when something is RIGHT for bringing forth some truth to the table.

No matter how much I understand about the spirit of anxiety, it is still my greatest challenge/teacher. I feel like a child again being raised by the great cosmic, MYSTERIOUS parent. What has been important on the path was to respond with inquiry into what am I not noticing or ignoring? as oppose to the downward spiral of I can’t function or handle life anymore.

Emotional Intelligence is about taking responsibility for our emotions and seeing how to use them as opposed to being paralyzed by them. I’ve learned so much about what my body truly needs physically/spiritually as well as what self care truly needs to look like for me.

Looking back anxiety has been more of a roap map or window into who I am called to be in this world and HOW.

It’s not easy….and the truth continues to reveal itself.

I hope this sharing & perspective expanded your heart today.

Thokozani.